Being Alone.

Of a sudden, I felt so much like blogging but I do not have internet access now. So I decided to type it in the Microsoft Word 1st then post it up in my blogspot when I have the chance to do so. I do not know why but these days, I kinda enjoy being alone. Kinda enjoy the time, eating alone, listening to songs alone, walking here and there alone.

I do not know what this is due to but, I needed time for myself. Many things made me ponder about life. Especially when am alone, especially when am alone looking back at the pictures taken years ago.

Life has not been like a bed of roses lately. Have been frustrated over some stuff. Which also made me think whether to carry on or not. Ok, to make things clear again. Nothing to do with my relationship, ok?  Well, I guess this is what life is all about. When something in life tend to be happy, sadness comes by. You agree?

My convocation is on the 17th of December 2011. This may be the last time of me wearing the mortar board and the last time taking pictures with my convocation gown. Am thinking whether or not to ask my dad to attend as well. Mum may not be happy if I ask him to attend. But then again, he did contribute to my education as well. Don’t you think he should attend? :)

Time flies, I was going thru the photo albums in my laptop just now. My previous convocation was in year 2009. Mummy was looking so young back then. Now, that I could see so much wrinkle on her face. Dad was looking so young back then too. Now that I can see the differences on his face. When will the time come that I can contribute back to them? I need to give myself a timeline. It cannot take too long for me to give my parents what they want. But what are the ways to it?

I was supposed to be at The Salvatorian Home last weekend. But my kid, Han Ping and I were sick. So, Sister Jane told me not to go this time but maybe the next round when they are back from their holidays. I knew I needed to talk to Han Ping so that he wouldn’t think that I lied to him saying that I will go but at the end I did not turn up.

I was worried that he will be upset with me saying that am not able to attend. But at the end, it was the other way round. He was just so understanding. I felt so nice talking to the kid over the phone. I somehow felt enlighten with this very special kid. He knew that am sick too. He asked me if I have a paper and pen. He wanted to spell something out for me. He says that, “I said this every morning when am awake from my bed. And I got well.” At the end, he spelled me “MARANATHA”. It meant, “Jesus, please come to me.”

He added saying, “No matter what religion you are, you can say this. You will get well very soon.” Maybe this seemed something usual to you, readers. But, I do not know how to describe the feeling again that he is such a special kid. He asked me, “I have a friend that ask me whether you’re my God Sister?” Then I asked, “Who is your friend?” He replied, “Next time when you come here, I will show him to you. So are you agreeing it?” I replied, “I will answer you some other time, alright?” He then said “Okay!”.

I did not know how should I answer, to be a Yes or No? So, I answered him that way. I know where my limitations are. I do not have financial ability to be his God Sister for the time being. I’m worry that I cannot commit myself to him for this time. I do not want to hurt him at the end of the day. Let things go on slowly. If there is a calling from God for me to take care of this kid, Han Ping. Yes, I will go according to HIS will. All I want to do now is that am able to contribute some to the society. Maybe, financially I can’t but, emotionally and physically, I can!

God, please prepare me the path to move on in life! Let me know what is best for me. And I will go according to Your will. Life is never an easy route to walk. But, with the help of God, my family, my sincere friends, soul mate and buddies, Life is not gonna be as hard. God, bring me close to you. I do not want to lose you again. Hold me close to you, God! Amen!

Written : 07/11/11 at 3.15pm